Disappointment...? Sometimes I yearn for something else...

Yesterday I was hanging in Toronto... driving home with the family after a Yoyoma Concert... that was pretty cool. It was, like, 10pm? maybe later...

There were these three girls running on the sidewalk... all with their straight brown hair loose, all dressed in loose and blank white tops that showed their shoulders, all in skinny jeans of... indeterminate colour (i think they were varying shades of grey), and all in heels. They were all essentially the same height, and it was kind of put-offish how they were essentially clones.

The first thought I had when watching them run by was "LOL Clones" but right afterwards, I wondered what it would be like to belong to something like that. When I brought it up in the car, my mom said something about it being a uniform... but it was a little to trendy to be a uniform, imo. They looked happy, exhilarated even... I was a little disappointed that I won't be able to be like that... just cuz of what I'm like.

I'm individualistic, through and through. People like me buy their clothes where other people usually wouldn't... and they wouldn't get the stuff I get anyways. Internet t-shirts and 'trendy' asian tops/bottoms are anything but normal. Especially when it looks like there's only one in each store. And I don't act like anyone else I know. Sure, I pick up mannerisms from people, just like I'm sure other people do from me (which is weird, cuz it's hard to notice... subtle).

But I've always had this desire to belong just the way I am. But the way I am makes me devoid of belonging with anything but a little group of nerdy guys... they're cool, but just by saying 'guys', I'm not belonging. It's disconcerting. I was told that I had officially reached 'one-of-the-guys'-dom a week ago. I was happy, but wasn't sure what that entailed, since I'm definitely not a guy.

I guess what I really want is just a little place with a small group of girls that I can call 'home'. Just a place where I can belong, where I can be me and still be loved and accepted... by people that are like me. I have several groups of friends that are the first two, but they aren't very like me, and I can tell... I don't mean to, but I often upset their social order just by being me.


I'm not willing to change me, not in the least. But that doesn't stop my from yearning for something else.