Today, I had been having an amazing day. I'd had math class at 1 (Gawd, I slept in! YESSSS! :D) Then I watched as my professor did awe-inspiring math for me, just cuz I asked (in office hours, but meh). Then when I got back to the dorms, I went to the music room and played around, cuz my floormate-friend was in there with her other friend. We then made plans for afterwards, to go to Youth Group. So far, this is an awesome, relaxed day. An amazing day that I haven't been able to have for a long time.
After fooling around in my friend's room, we went to supper with my neighbour, and it was there that my day was shattered into a million different pieces.
I decided I had to check the message on my phone. A single message, from my brother. One message has the power to floor you...
He told me that the nice high school librarian, the one that practically carried me throughout Grade 10, and kept a hold on my hand throughout the rest of my high school years, had passed away. The one that I respected with this crazy respect that was hard to break... She was gone, and my brother wanted to know when the funeral was.
I didn't believe my brother. Of course I didn't... it was just so hard to believe. I had seen her the last day of school. We had a conversation about... books, and where I was going with my life... Where I wanted to go after university.
She told me that if and when I visited, I had to go say hi, and give her an update. I promised I would.
She had seemed so full of energy then, so well.
I quickly called my friend still at the high school... and he told me that it was true. His words were that she "is no longer with us"... That's when it hit. Hard. He said it was cancer, and apparently she'd been struggling with it for a while. You couldn't tell... she was such a strong women; it was incredible. You really, fully couldn't tell. Looking around, only a select few people knew about it at all...
I cried. Of course I did. For such an amazing women to have died... the happiness of the day was sucked away. I lost all energy, I cried... there was nothing else I could do. There was no one to go to... well, the people I was with were a great help, but I can not reminisce with them about the awesomeness of this wondrous lady.
I cried several times throughout the night. I'm still wanting to cry... At some point in the night, I decided I would hold it in for a little while... stop making the people around me feel uncomfortable... we still went through with the plans we made (going to Youth Group) and I cried several times there... Blessed Be Your Name is incredibly difficult to sing when you're actually in sorrow and suffering... and I couldn't sing it without the tears...
Mrs. Maclennan... you were the cornerstone of the school library... I hope you know that. Without you, and your organization, and your ability to just... know exactly what we needed, none of the students would have survived their projects...
Thank you for all the help throughout high school, throughout Student Parliament... everything. I saw you once a DAY for a year.... and many times afterwards. But now I'm never going to see you again. It's... unbelievable. I don't believe it. I don't want to.
I still have the stickers and pens you gave me for secret santa... I don't think I can ever use those ones now. Ever. I was wearing the sweater... the parliament sweater today. When I heard, I was wearing it. I didn't know anything could ever be as significant as when I finally realized I had it with me... and what strength I could pull just from wearing it close to me... Marine Bilogy, right?
I can't even imagine what life is like for the other people who knew you, who worked with you and were taught and touched by you more than I ever was... I can't imagine what it's like for Ms. Stone... she was taught by you, AND she worked with you... How jarring can this be for her? I can't even fathom it....
or your husband? You were weeping over your cats, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was too... My condolences go to him, but I doubt that's enough for him at all...
I'm sorry, Mrs. MacLennan, that I couldn't visit before this happened. I figured that I could visit later... I figured that it'd be ok if I just... waited til Thanksgiving, or Commencement, or... something. I mean, it's just September... Why would you already want to know how I'm doing? I'm sorry I couldn't see you... I miss you already.
I had planned to visit you, I really had. But life never goes to plan, does it?
RIP Myra MacLennan, September 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Just cuz you were planning too, doesn't mean that you will get to...
Sunday, July 26, 2009
My Thoughts on Funerals
I just got back from my second one this year... and probably the fourth one I've been to ever (I guess I'd call myself fortunate). These are just some of my thoughts on the matter.
The first of the funerals was for a very vibrant woman who had struggled for a long time with cancer. This recent one was for a man who was recently married to the love of his life (this is her second marriage... her first husband passed away too), who died abruptly of a heart attack.
The first was filled with relief for her passing, and for her transition into a better place. The second was full of sorrow and questions over the suddenness of his passing. I knew the lady more than I knew the man, yet somehow, the man's funeral was infinitely more sad than the lady's.
When I went to the man's funeral, I thought to myself 'I don't know him all that well, I doubt I'll cry.' Then I looked around at people that I didn't think had known him even as well as I did, and saw them crying... and wondered 'why can't I feel?' That is, until the family members and friends spoke. At that moment in time, I was happy to know that I am indeed able to feel, am indeed quite empathetic, and am indeed a woman prone to sensitivity and crying for... well, for a reason. I wasn't the only one either.
I found, however, that the saddest part of both funerals was not walking up to the front to see the casket, nor was it the eulogies, or the singing. The saddest part was the breathing. The pausing as the speaker (whoever they were, they were close to the deceased) collected themselves in order to present what they felt was the most important aspect of that person's life. The quiet, almost emotionless, way they told it was nothing compared to the waiting. In those deep breaths, they conveyed the depth of their sorrow, the fullness of their loss. Just by inhaling and exhaling... the sadness was palpable. Not almost. It was definitely palpable. It was in those times that the seated people started swiping at eyes, or shuffling for tissues. Or, like me, simply letting the tears fall, to be dabbed away with a fingertip once it's reached my lower cheek.
People tend to say "No words can be used to fully express their sorrow" when certain horrid tragedies occur. They don't need words. God knows how much was portrayed with just air today.
Another thing. Never apologize for not being able to contain your sorrow, for being selfish and wishing they were still here. It is your right to have this sorrow and this wish, but do not hold strong to it. You are allowed to be sad, just don't make that the reason why you live... and don't allow it to stop you from living. Cry when you must cry, and laugh when you must laugh. Live how you must live, and die when God calls you to Him. This way, when you die, you will have... less regrets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On another note, I haven't blogged much since the start of summer because I have a job now, and I get up at 5 am, and get home, at... like, 7 pm every day... and on Thursdays and Fridays, I get home at midnight... But I love my summer job, so I believe that's all that really matters, isn't it?
On another another note :P (Another squared?) I visited my old church for the funeral... I haven't been back there since........ Iunno, March? Earlier? Before I cut my hair, for sure... people didn't recognize me. (BTW I DIDN'T MENTION I CUT MY HAIR!!! 10 INCHES AFTER PROM!!) By people, I mean people that have known me since... grade 2 :P I could walk by them today without being... "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU RASCAL"'d =D All because of the hair and the shades... but even without the shades, it was the hair. It was quite amusing... as was the amusement from me about the fact that the friends of mine wanted to muss up my hair... apparently it's a big temptation for people to play with my now-very-short hair (which apparently suits me)... It takes forever to get the ruffled-and-disheveled-but-not-messy look, you know?
Monday, June 22, 2009
I'm Done!
School's Out!!
Forever
What?
Ya.
Finished my last exam today. Chem. It was bad... but that's not what this post is about, I don't think.
My High School Career is over. Kapput. Gone. 4 years of... I guess you could call it awesome (I would), and now I'm on to something new. But that's life, isn't it?
4 years of learning, growing, becoming who I am... that's not stopping any time soon. I'm pretty sure you learn who you are for the rest of your life, but... in this past year, I've learned a hell of a lot about myself, and what my weaknesses are, and what I'm good at. I've grown. Not physically, but... hey. No one really cares :P I'm short, and always will be, I guess.
I think I can post this here, since no one reads this anyway... at least, I don't think they do. I'm glad this high school experience was around. Sure, I learned a bunch of useless stuff, and had to put up with the occasional jerk, but... at any other school, there'd be a ton more jerks, and a ton more uselessness. So I'm glad I was where I was, and I'm glad I had the friends I had... Despite the fact that sometimes I wonder what would have happened if __________. As I am now, I wouldn't have wanted any other group of friends.
And that's what sucks. We're all splitting up. Well, not all. My group of friends was already diverse (in age, nationality, grouping, even) but now it's becoming moreso. There are people going God-knows-where for university... others staying in school... I'm not going to be too far from those that are staying in the area, but I'm just far enough for it to be considered a hassle to visit. Other people are coming with me... not many, but some.
The sad but inevitable thing is that we're all going to drift apart, no matter how hard we try to stick together. When the several high-school sweethearts that have been together forever get married (some already plan to do so), I dare say I must be invited, just for the get together and spazzing about the how-we've-changed's... cuz I don't want to lose these people
I'd post names, but I don't think they'd appreciate it... even if they don't know this place exists.
To the peeps graduating with me, good luck with life.
To the peeps not graduating yet, or younger than me... Good luck with life. I will see if I can visit, but it won't be too often.
To everyone I know: I love you a lot... and I never want to forget the times we've shared. Cuz you're all awesome in your own way... and never forget that.
EDIT: I ONLY WENT DOWN 1% IN CHEM :D SO I DIDN'T DO AS BADLY AS I THOUGHT I WOULD!! OVERALL 90+% AVG!! :D
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Graduating Class of 2009
When we grow up
We wanna work our jobs
But I wonder if they'll exist?
Recession sucks
As you can tell, I'm trying to get a summer job, but it's pretty impossible right now.
And I'm graduating. which is incredibly exciting and terrifying... I'll miss high school. BUt before I graduate, I have to finish my exams, and therefore finish my courses... I'm supposed to be studying... I guess I'll start (again).
I'll write a more detailed post about how I'm going to miss my school, and all the people I know, and how the class is going to split up at another time... if at all
Friday, May 29, 2009
Type/Cast Trailer!!
So I've been working on this project since... the beginning of the semester. So February. And it's done :D Which makes me very happy...
I'm so not cut out to be an animator... :(
Go past the cut to see it!!
Took way too long, but many thanks to everyone who helped in making it!! You guys rock!!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I'm just as impressionable as Japan...
Mio has these headphones... I want :P They're AKG K701... and apparently they're praised as worldclass top-of-the-line headphones. DUDE! What are these girls made of? First the tea-cups, then the instruments (both from Tsumugi, so I can take it), now MIO has f-ing $750 headphones? Cool :P
Just saying, I was talking to people earlier, how I needed headphones... I'm not going to get those, but I'll just say now, they're pretty stylin'
Not cute, as YUI would say, but they're pretty :D and apparently really expensive... :S
Monday, April 27, 2009
Hair?
LOL Prom hair idea...
Maybe not... dunno. It's simple, yet elegent enough. Dunno how I'd do it though XDDD
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Disappointment...? Sometimes I yearn for something else...
Yesterday I was hanging in Toronto... driving home with the family after a Yoyoma Concert... that was pretty cool. It was, like, 10pm? maybe later...
There were these three girls running on the sidewalk... all with their straight brown hair loose, all dressed in loose and blank white tops that showed their shoulders, all in skinny jeans of... indeterminate colour (i think they were varying shades of grey), and all in heels. They were all essentially the same height, and it was kind of put-offish how they were essentially clones.
The first thought I had when watching them run by was "LOL Clones" but right afterwards, I wondered what it would be like to belong to something like that. When I brought it up in the car, my mom said something about it being a uniform... but it was a little to trendy to be a uniform, imo. They looked happy, exhilarated even... I was a little disappointed that I won't be able to be like that... just cuz of what I'm like.
I'm individualistic, through and through. People like me buy their clothes where other people usually wouldn't... and they wouldn't get the stuff I get anyways. Internet t-shirts and 'trendy' asian tops/bottoms are anything but normal. Especially when it looks like there's only one in each store. And I don't act like anyone else I know. Sure, I pick up mannerisms from people, just like I'm sure other people do from me (which is weird, cuz it's hard to notice... subtle).
But I've always had this desire to belong just the way I am. But the way I am makes me devoid of belonging with anything but a little group of nerdy guys... they're cool, but just by saying 'guys', I'm not belonging. It's disconcerting. I was told that I had officially reached 'one-of-the-guys'-dom a week ago. I was happy, but wasn't sure what that entailed, since I'm definitely not a guy.
I guess what I really want is just a little place with a small group of girls that I can call 'home'. Just a place where I can belong, where I can be me and still be loved and accepted... by people that are like me. I have several groups of friends that are the first two, but they aren't very like me, and I can tell... I don't mean to, but I often upset their social order just by being me.
I'm not willing to change me, not in the least. But that doesn't stop my from yearning for something else.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
General Knowledge Exams really aren't as scary they're made out to be + Prom Dress?
So... today was D-day for that crazy general knowledge exam mentioned here A total of 6 people showed up to the finalist exams... and 2 scholarships are handed out. That took most of the already-practically-non-existent case of nerves I had off my shoulders.
The questions were a lot more opinion based "why do you want to be a teacher", "what would you do in this case" "show off your knowledge/opinion in an essay" questions, which completely overshadowed the 10 multiple choice questions. Which weren't really that difficult... I had the hardest time with the "What's your greatest accomplishment and why" question... I hate talking about how good I am...
All the questions were surprisingly about stuff that I've recently refreshed myself on, or written a long extensive thing about, or something I've tucked away in my memory because of something important happening. Like there was a question about education and technology. What did I win the Microsoft thing for? And I was talking just the other week to my brother about why the Aztecs all died off... silly Aztecs, lacking their immunity.
Thank God for preparing me for this... :D He really did a great job this time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the exam, I went with my mom to go Prom Dress shopping at Pacific Mall. Fun times! lol, we had lunch at Heritage Town (Watami is closed for renos... has been since yesterday) and then went to where I bought my grad top 5 years ago. Still has pretty clothing :P Bought both my dresses there... but you'll have to jump the cut to see. :D
This dress is nicer than you can see in the picture... It all these pretty sparkly beads on the top layer, and it's all glittery on the bottom layer. and it's really comfy. Dad likes this more than the other one (as do i, since it's comfy), but mom likes the other one cuz it's "more chinese". Which is what I was looking for anyways XD
It's also 2 layers, but lacking the sexy see-through the other one has. Apparently it makes me look younger than above, but i have to suck in/lose waistline to fit XDDDD which is problematic... but I am exercising, so I'm sure it'll be good by June.
I dunno which I'm wearing to prom... I guess this depends on my date. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING J-DATE?? XD
And what do you, oh ambiguous reader, think I should wear?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The rest of the day was LOOOOOONG and full of sifting through other clothes. i bought one other thing... and I saw something really cute that would look good on J-date, but I didn't get it, since I didn't know if the colour would work XD
Next time, I guess... maybe J-date will come with that day!
Friday, March 13, 2009
So... now I really wanna eat sushi. Or anything for that matter... stupid diet. A Youtube Video is past the cut.
Sushi conveyor belt restaurants are quite common in japan... it's easier to get food to customers, and it's like an all you can eat kinda thing. However, if you sit at the end of the belt, you'll be lacking in sushi to eat... You can also order, of course, and when you do, they send it down your way. Exciting, isn't it?
I really wanna try it :P
Sunday, March 8, 2009
OMGOMGOMGOMG HOW TO STUDY??????!!!!111
So... Scholarships... again XD Only finalist, so far, but...
I have to take a general knowledge exam... next saturday. How the hell do you study for a general knowledge exam? I mean...
It's all... general. and knowledge-y. And there's no specific instructions. I just know I can't bring a dictionary/thesaurus, and I don't need to bring a calculator. So scratch hard math :P And maybe, just for the sake of getting rid of any chances, I should leave my brain at home too
Sad thing is, I'm missing out on a youth retreat for this........ at some new place I'm checking out. The people are nice, though they probably think I'm a creep. No worries, I'll just kinda... stick out like a sore thumb by being the whitest asian in an asian youth group XDDD
I'd blame Wesley for my ability to be a creeper, except I realized today that I was a creeper long before Wesley showed me... and I was a creeper with my camera. XD
NO! NO LEWD PICTURES! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!! I'm just a really good paparazzi...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Klutziness
I'm a massive klutz. I have proof... I broke a cup on Thursday and a plate today...
However, there's more! When I broke the plate, it broke on the counter, and then a piece fell and landed right beside my foot... By right beside, I mean it skimmed my foot. One more cm to the left, and my right foot would have a massive gash on it. As it is, there's 2 small cuts... that didn't hurt until I used an alcohol wipe on it. That hurt really bad XD
On another note, Omurice isn't as tasty as I thought it would be... too bad. I made it with old fried rice... and it just kinda was. Nothing special... what's so special about it? Thinking back, it's just fried rice with egg....... (-_-);; I was just too excited about it. lol
