Just cuz you were planning too, doesn't mean that you will get to...

Today, I had been having an amazing day. I'd had math class at 1 (Gawd, I slept in! YESSSS! :D) Then I watched as my professor did awe-inspiring math for me, just cuz I asked (in office hours, but meh). Then when I got back to the dorms, I went to the music room and played around, cuz my floormate-friend was in there with her other friend. We then made plans for afterwards, to go to Youth Group. So far, this is an awesome, relaxed day. An amazing day that I haven't been able to have for a long time.

After fooling around in my friend's room, we went to supper with my neighbour, and it was there that my day was shattered into a million different pieces.

I decided I had to check the message on my phone. A single message, from my brother. One message has the power to floor you...

He told me that the nice high school librarian, the one that practically carried me throughout Grade 10, and kept a hold on my hand throughout the rest of my high school years, had passed away. The one that I respected with this crazy respect that was hard to break... She was gone, and my brother wanted to know when the funeral was.

I didn't believe my brother. Of course I didn't... it was just so hard to believe. I had seen her the last day of school. We had a conversation about... books, and where I was going with my life... Where I wanted to go after university.

She told me that if and when I visited, I had to go say hi, and give her an update. I promised I would.

She had seemed so full of energy then, so well.

I quickly called my friend still at the high school... and he told me that it was true. His words were that she "is no longer with us"... That's when it hit. Hard. He said it was cancer, and apparently she'd been struggling with it for a while. You couldn't tell... she was such a strong women; it was incredible. You really, fully couldn't tell. Looking around, only a select few people knew about it at all...

I cried. Of course I did. For such an amazing women to have died... the happiness of the day was sucked away. I lost all energy, I cried... there was nothing else I could do. There was no one to go to... well, the people I was with were a great help, but I can not reminisce with them about the awesomeness of this wondrous lady.

I cried several times throughout the night. I'm still wanting to cry... At some point in the night, I decided I would hold it in for a little while... stop making the people around me feel uncomfortable... we still went through with the plans we made (going to Youth Group) and I cried several times there... Blessed Be Your Name is incredibly difficult to sing when you're actually in sorrow and suffering... and I couldn't sing it without the tears...

Mrs. Maclennan... you were the cornerstone of the school library... I hope you know that. Without you, and your organization, and your ability to just... know exactly what we needed, none of the students would have survived their projects...

Thank you for all the help throughout high school, throughout Student Parliament... everything. I saw you once a DAY for a year.... and many times afterwards. But now I'm never going to see you again. It's... unbelievable. I don't believe it. I don't want to.

I still have the stickers and pens you gave me for secret santa... I don't think I can ever use those ones now. Ever. I was wearing the sweater... the parliament sweater today. When I heard, I was wearing it. I didn't know anything could ever be as significant as when I finally realized I had it with me... and what strength I could pull just from wearing it close to me... Marine Bilogy, right?

I can't even imagine what life is like for the other people who knew you, who worked with you and were taught and touched by you more than I ever was... I can't imagine what it's like for Ms. Stone... she was taught by you, AND she worked with you... How jarring can this be for her? I can't even fathom it....

or your husband? You were weeping over your cats, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was too... My condolences go to him, but I doubt that's enough for him at all...


I'm sorry, Mrs. MacLennan, that I couldn't visit before this happened. I figured that I could visit later... I figured that it'd be ok if I just... waited til Thanksgiving, or Commencement, or... something. I mean, it's just September... Why would you already want to know how I'm doing? I'm sorry I couldn't see you... I miss you already.

I had planned to visit you, I really had. But life never goes to plan, does it?


RIP Myra MacLennan, September 2009